please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
