Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
