I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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