doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
