textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
