dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
