I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize