margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
