and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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