Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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