Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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