my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
