The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
