Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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