Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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