Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I love you.
Bad choice
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
