I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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