Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Don't make out with my wife yet
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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