she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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