That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
