3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
