I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
