I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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