I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
