I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
