nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
