Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
