hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
