Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize