i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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