Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
