Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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