I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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