I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
