I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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