you guys were way drunker than both of me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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