I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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