At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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