i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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