just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
