I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
