toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
