i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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