I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
