you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Randomize
