i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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