Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
