Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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