ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
