mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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