you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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