My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
