i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
