this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The uberlube is also flammable
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
