new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
