dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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