ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
