I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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