Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize