I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Acid is not a monday night drug
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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