I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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