Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
