she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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