you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize