Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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