My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
