I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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