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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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