I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
