Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
