can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
bring money and cleavage
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
